Author Archives: skiplogic

Drain Clogs – 05-31-2010

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First off, Happy Memorial Day to all those who’ve served bravely and continue to serve in our nation’s armed forces, protecting the United States and our way of life from those would would seek to destroy it or are otherwise jealous of how awesomely bad-ass our country and our military are. Now go enjoy a parade and BBQ and some beaches!

Surprise! 78% of the internet believes that FOX News anchor Greta Van Susteren is stupid! Protip Greta: never ask the internet for their opinion on anything. This is how the Tea Parties got started:

Hey, someone found an old BP advertisement from 1999 when the oil giant was just beginning to tap into US pipelines. Who would have thought a mere decade or so later they would have ruined beyond repair some of our nation’s most fragile ecosystems!

Israeli Army commandos stormed a Palestinian aid vessel carrying supplies and food bound for Gaza. UK reports suggest 16 or so Palestinians aboard the “floatilla” have been killed.

The Atlantic asks, “Has the Tea Party done anything for the GOP?“. Besides teaching conservative protesters how to spell their signs incorrectly, the answer is: “NO!”.

Cartoon of the holiday weekend:

Frank, Fiddy, and The FOX Nation

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Oh boy, if you thought a four day Memorial Day weekend was a nice present to receive on a Friday then you probably aren’t as cynical as I am since I was browsing The FOX Nation today and found, not one, but TWO horrible, stereotypical, and bigoted stories that the usual Einsteins over at that last bastion of ‘Fair and Balanced’ opinion decided to pick up on. And even better, one story is about every Conservative’s favorite Congressman from Massachusetts (who just happens to be gay) and the other concerns every Conservative’s favorite Vitamin Water spokesperson and bad-ass rap star (who just happens to be black). Try guessing what the common thread is in the comments on both posts (hint: it’s a disease that only homosexuals and black people can get apparently!).

The first FOX Nation post concerned Rep. Barney Frank making a hilariously off-hand statement about newly elected Hawaiian Rep. Charles Djou. Since apparently Hawaii is the bottleneck through which every Kenyan-born illegal Communist alien pours through and infects this country with their disgusting foreignness Frank suggested that perhaps the press should be putting a little bit of effort into tracking down Djou’s birth certificate, cause, ya know, he could be an EVIL USURPER! The FOX Nation was not amused:

Karen Rogers lays down out her diagnosis for Barney Frank, “useing your appendage for the correct, opposite sex body part”. Get that man 500cc of vagina STAT!

HE HE HO HO!!!!! indeed!

Honey, you haven’t needed a license to operate a dress and fake boobs in Boston since the 1970s.

Wait that whole rent boy thing was being run out of Barney Frank’s house?

GROSS!

Batnam has a preoccupation with Frank’s “disgusting POL”

It’s not like the man’s been in Congress since the 1980s or anything.

Damn I need to move to Mass. it sounds like Barney throws some of the best parties in town.

Your comment must have been PRETTY RIDICULOUS if The FOX Nation found it necessary to moderate it! Not like they do a good job of doing that anyway (that’s why Politisink is here).

Our next story focuses on the star of ’50 Cent: Blood on the Sand’, semi-successful rap artist, and wildly successful beverage salesman 50 Cent! Fiddy has been flying under the radar recently working on his budding film career. For his latest role in the movie “Things Fall Apart”, 50 Cent will be playing a football player who is diagnosed with cancer. Because Hollywood special effects have not yet come to the point where we can digitally retouch actor’s faces and appearance, Fiddy lost a shocking amount of weight to properly portray his character in the film:

OMG he’s like REALLY sickly looking! Does he have like cancer or AIDS or did he get a Ballerectomy or something? Can the people at The FOX Nation even bother to read the two sentence excerpt from the three sentence post on 50 Cent’s website? The answer to every question you have is “Nope!”:

Everyone was keen on the money puns for this story (since black people shouldn’t be allowed to have money ROFLMAOLOL!)

You know AIDS is transmitted by pork chops, right?

50 Cent does porno? What industry HASN’T this man curb-stomped every last dollar out of?

DADT?

President Bush PERSONALLY gave 50 Cent AIDS. You heard it here first.

Pot calling the kettle black? Black people smoke pot. Smoke is what happens when there’s a fire. Fire is primarily orange and red. Mao’s Communist manifesto is bound in a red cov– OH MY FUCKING GOD 50 CENT IS A COMMUNIST! Go read a book!

Why can’t it be all 3?

See you thought I was kidding about the puns!

And there you have it readers. The FOX Nation: still a horrible cesspool of stay-at-home moms and unemployed NASCAR fans with exactly no comment moderation whatsoever and enough brain power between the 300 or so comments on each story to come up with the same tired gay jokes and AIDS puns we read on in their comments last week.

EDIT: Made a slight correction, thanks for the note TC (I for one blame all the gold I’ve been stockpiling).

You are stupid if you don’t vaccinate your children!

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How do you convince someone with a particular position on an issue that they are just flat out wrong? Like Obama-groomed-for-40-years-to-take-over-the-United-States wrong or Government-is-prepping-us-for-FEMA-camps wrong or even Sarah-Palin-is-a-down-to-Earth-and-reasonable-politician-who-would-make-a-good-president wrong.

Most of the people who hold unreasoned opinions like these are people of faith to begin with (in the sense that the act of steadfast belief is all that’s necessary for something to be “true” in their minds) and due to their lack of open-mindedness and aversion to considering other arguments (especially when those arguments are in the form of a long two to three page article!) it can be quite the feat to get a “believer” to even think about thinking about considering maybe looking at something contrary to what they believe.

Enter the comic book, a publishing format that has probably done more for child literacy than every grammar school in the country combined times a million, that gives readers who might be challenged by blocks of text, known as paragraphs, a simple, easy, and visually interesting way of following along with a story.

While it might not be as useful to Wingnuts as a comic book about how unlikely it is that President Obama is a Communist Muslim Fascist who was born in Kenya and was trained over the course of his entire life to get elected as President of the United States of America only to create attrition in the government so that a Muslims cabal can take over the world, the comic below would be good to send off to your crazy sister or aunt who believes, despite all the evidence (in the form of long wordy article) to the contrary, that the Measles/Mumps/Rubella vaccine causes Autism in young children.

What a silly and dangerous thing to believe! Why is it both a silly and dangerous belief that’s completely unfounded and void of any unbiased expert to argue the position? Maybe you should read this comic by Darryl Cunningham entitled “The Facts in the Case of Dr. Andrew Wakefield” and learn a little more about what would motivate a medical doctor, who has since been discredited and stripped of his medical license, to perpetuate such a myth and why not vaccinating your children against these three deadly diseases, a trend that has caused cases of Mumps and Measels to break out in many communities all over the world, is just flat out stupid.

Medicine, myth, and intrigue. What other comic book packs a punch like that!?

Glenn Beck ‘GoldGate’ gaining gratuitious gravity

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Investing your hard earned money in pure gold nugget with a company like GoldLine, safe, reliable, a decision worthy of prayer. Because of gold’s historic perceived value, the metal of choice for ballin’ players through out history from the ancient Aztecs to Henry VIII and now Chamillionaire, having your money staked in owning a lot of the physical element gold, keeping doubloons, ingots, used Rolexes, and dental fillings you’ve stolen from dead people in the fireproof safe under the stairs in the basement, would be a wise investment decision. Right?

At least Glenn Beck thinks so. Sure gold is a really well known precious metal that’s used in many of the things rich people can afford to buy (jewelry, Monster cables, exotic food and alcohol, Bentleys) and it sure as hell is pretty to look at, but did you know that the human body can’t properly process or digest gold, not even during times of economic hardship? Gold also has been observed to flat-out lose its market value when the world gets plunged into fiery Armageddon and the first things to get burned down are the banks and stock exchanges. Certainly not “Rapture-proof”.

You cannot play videos or listen to music or surf the web or be entertained in any way by gold, and unlike a good deal of the marketing presentations from GoldLine, investing in physical gold has never earned any significant amount of money over the course of the investment for the buyer, rendering it a pretty useless strategy to diversify your wealth with.

Good investments, like real estate or stock dividends or bonds or equities or selling people a totally useless investment, help the buyer generate steady income for their portfolio and “put the money to work” for them, hopefully leaving you with a significant return that you can laugh all the way to the bank with. Gold doesn’t do any of these “wealth building” things, and in very troubled times there are better metal-based items that you could have spent your money on to ensure your survival.

Gold just kind of sits there.

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D.C. Douglas strikes back!

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From the brave man who brought you The Teabagger Boogie: Dick Armey’s Army of Dicks and of course the voice of the GEICO guy brings you a second heaping helping of astroturfed Tea Party tidings (sponsored by FreedomWorks) in the form of a brand new PSA! The video features a couple of people who don’t look like me or talk like me (so naturally I assume I’ll need to see their papers):

The dangers of drinking and operating a telephone handset, don’t do it (unless you value your career enough to never speak up about anything in the public sphere ever, the teabaggers are always watching). And bravo for using so many clearly hypocritical and delightfully self-serving statements from “brown journalism” sites like BigGovernment and FOX News, complete with footnotes and direct quotes.

D.C. Douglas should continue to push the campaign into the far reaches of the Tea Party universe; there are just so many entertaining possibilities for bits like this. Are those anti-tea bag campaign ads I smell? A line of D.C Douglas talking pull-string action figures that sound off on Wingnuts? Perhaps even a ‘Bosum Buddies’ type sitcom featuring two lovable goofs who decide to get jobs at FreedomWorks, infiltrating the nefarious organization by donning expensive suits, cowboy hats, and “Drill, baby, drill” bumper stickers? The possibilities are limitless.

D.C. Douglas, we want to work with YOU to make all these ideas and more a reality.

Caleb Howe is a cancer.

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We’ve all met that guy. Maybe he went to your high school, sat next to you on an airplane that one time, has a nationally syndicated talk-radio and television show, or even attended one of those Tea Party protest and ended spouting off with his misspelled protest sign while someone interviewed him for a video you saw on YouTube. This type of individual is what I like to refer to as the “taint hair” of society.

“Taint hairs” serve no purpose in life but to irritate and annoy the whole of society. Their shit-eating grin of an attitude and toxic personalities, while giving the individual mysterious origins (probably the product of sexual abuse, universal rejection throughout their existance, or the deep-seeded idea that their lives are worthless unless they’re making other people miserable), make their infected rash of “character” stand out like the sore polyp on the asshole of the country. Caleb Howe is exactly this kind of asshole infection.

That episode of South Park, the clip in particular, put perfectly into words that attitude of why you can let guys like Caleb Howe or Eric Cartman, kids of a similar mind who believe they can never be taken down a notch since they’re always willing to shamelessly up the ante with their words (no matter how awful or retarded those words make them sound) when there’s no real or immediate perceived threat to them (it’s the internet after all!). The more defenseless, disabled, or weak the target is the better for them. People like that will not let up with their demeanor, no matter what’s said to them or who calls them out on their clear and universally repugnant behavior. What’s left to do when you’ve exhausted every other ration option you know of to satisfy their hunger for attention? You can’t just give up or forget about the problem and hope things will get better.

Instead physical action needs to be taken against them, to have them be beaten into a pulp, to be physically incapacitated, to be destroyed in order to understand that what they do and say to others in life has actual repercussions in the civilized world, where civilized people with even the remotest bit of compassion will stand against the entirety of everything they take pride in and build their repulsive characters on. How else can a disease change itself unless you put every ounce of effort into eradicating it?

And we’re not talking about a horrible and ruthless condition such as cancer here. Caleb Howe is like polio. He is god-awful scourge on the world, a blight of intelligence and moral character in every sense of the word, but with the right people working against him, attacking every vector of his words and callous opinion, he can eventually be eradicated from the face of the world. People will throw parades, celebrate across the globe, and cheer in unison when a personality like Caleb Howe’s is eliminated from the face of the earth. After all, Caleb Howe and his ilk are the weakest kind of disease, a condition that didn’t even deserve to exist, a condition that can instantaneously be stopped with the proper treatment and right attitude, due to how inherently weak and void of a backbone the core of the virus is.

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RedState blogger mocks Roger Ebert’s lack of USA respect, cancer

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Caleb Howe loves to push buttons (it comes with the Conservative wingnut territory I suppose). As a member of the site RedState.com Caleb has his own little chunk of internet to report on whatever he feels like, and we know Caleb is the real deal and not some fly-by-night Tea Bag because he’s been registered on RedState for five years plus now.

Anyhow, on Cinco De Mayo of this year (May 5th for those of you who don’t live in California, Arizona, Texas, or believe in Spanish) five school kids from California, in a pretty clear cut case of trying to start some shit, decided to wear American Flag t-shirts and bandannas to school and boast about their love of nationalism (in true Wingnut fashion). The students were sent home for the day as a result. A high school with a “rich ethnic and socioeconomic diversity”, oppressive immigration laws getting passed in the state next door, instigating and breaking the school’s dress code (by wearing bandannas, flag shirts are not mentioned in the policy) to make a smug point, what was their liberal America-hateing principal thinking anyway?

Roger Ebert had something to say on the topic, specifically on Twitter:

@ebertchicago Kids who wear American Flag t-shirts on 5 May should have to share a lunchroom table with those who wear a hammer and sickle on 4 July.

But like any sane or objective opinion on the internet, the intellectual Mr. Ebert caught some nasty responses for his comment. Despite all of the challenges Mr. Ebert has faced in recent years, especially the removal of his lower jaw due to cancer treatment last month, the famous Chicago Sun-Times writer has continued to remain an eloquent and vocal voice both in print and online (and with a talent like his it’d be a shame to have it any other way).

Responding to his Twitter critics on his Chicago Sun-Times blog, Mr. Ebert pointed out the sensitivities surrounding the US and Cinco De Mayo celebrations while also drawing comparisons to similar instances where one might get curb-stomped for trying to instigate something along the lines of that American Flag shirt flap. This includes, among other examples, wearing symbols of British colonialism (Union Jack) in Boston during the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade, or an even more relevant example, wearing anything related to the NY Yankees ANYWHERE in Boston in the spring (man what’s it with Boston and all the unchecked aggression anyway?).

However Caleb Howe, in his infinite wisdom, felt it was necessary to go even further past Ebert’s well written response and counter it by deconstructing the esteemed film critic’s argument and analyzing some of the fallacies contained in Mr. Ebert’s piece. Mr. Howe did this by making fun of Roger Ebert for having cancer:

Image and inset picture of Caleb Howe courtesy of Gawker.

Way to go, Caleb Howe. Remember when that Tea Party protester threw some Monopoly money at an Alzheimer’s patient who was silently petitioning for Health Care Reform? This is kind of like that. Haters gonna hate!

Gawker has the a full rundown of the shaming details.

The Teabagger Boogie

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From the man who brought you the GEICO Insurance ad announcer voice, who was recently fired from his job for having an opinion on something ridiculous, brings you another Tea Bag-tacular event you won’t want to miss, The Teabagger Boogie (Dick Armey’s Army of Dicks):

This DC Douglas guy is awesome, his new full time job should be being the slick and sane voice of reason on a series of videos that hold the Tea Parties’ feet to the candle and, in particular the people at FreedomWorks and their “community organizers”, make them accountable for the retarded mess they’ve created in this country.